Writers' Corner

TO BE A GOOD HUMAN IS NOT EASY …….

If wishes were horses, I would like to be a good human being first and foremost. I have always wanted to be a good human being. In my childhood, when most of my relatives thought the world about me, I had reasons to be happy thinking I was getting closer to being good. I tried not to create misunderstandings between people, to be honest and helpful by not telling lies unnecessarily, or fighting with, hurting others. But I knew that whatever I wanted in all sincerity, was always denied to me. So, it was going to be difficult for me to be a good human being in the first place.  

Later, in my youth, when my friends fought for me, though I wasn't happy but I thought I was indeed good and that's why my friends acted crazy like the way they did to show their love for me. Let me briefly tell you what had happened.

We, my nephew and I, were selected for a play. In fact, I was to play the lead role. After a few days', sorry, nights' of rehearsal, we made friends with all the co-actors and actresses. Now, I didn't know that someone called Rahul, who became a good friend, had a crush on the lead actress, Mousumi. He must have joked poorly about me to another friend, Tapan, which resulted in a hand-to-hand fight between the two. Unfortunately, by the time I came to know about this incident things had gone too far and Rahul was ousted from the group!

Point is that my friends loved me and did not keep it a secret.

When I started working as a Teacher, some of my colleagues, especially females, praised me to the skies saying 'I was a perfect gentleman', 'being a perfect gentleman' was my idea of a good human being. Let me also tell you, in this connection, that I had always been lucky to be the students' favourite. I might not have been a great teacher lacking in adequate qualifications and all, but what I lacked in, I tried to make up for with dedication, commitment and hard work. I made it clear to the students that we would try to make the best use of the lessons. Try to be punctual, regular and honest. We never discussed any other teachers in or outside the class unless there were some emergencies.

Naturally, students liked me and even argued with their Vice-Principal for me. Things happened in the blink of an eye, and let me share that incident with you too.

I had to go to PHS in 1992 as an invigilator. The students were preparing for their ISCE. Now, I have this quality of making friends easily. I became friendly with the Captains staying back in the hostel in connection with the exam. One night, they invited me up to the boys' hostel for dinner. I had an awesome time with them, getting to know the students, their dreams, achievements and so on.

I didn't know that they were not supposed to go out without prior permission. I should have known that, being a teacher of a boarding school. I invited the students for a treat in a hotel in the market. You see, the fault was entirely mine. As we were coming back to school, I noticed some kind of restlessness amongst the students (there were some 9 or 10 of them). The VP's car stopped near them the next moment. The students started talking quite excitedly with him. When I was told the reason for the VP's justifiable anger, I wanted to interfere. The students didn't let me. I was called to the VP's Office in the evening.

As I was about to get into the office, I saw all of them waiting on the courtyard.

"Sir, if he tells you anything bad. We won't leave him."

I was stunned. I had been there for a week or so. But the students had always treated me with a great deal of love, affection and respect. I told them that the VP had not done anything wrong. It was my fault and I was sure that he wouldn't tell me anything without a reason. In fact, the VP, as it transpired later, was extremely cordial and respectful.

Now, in my 60s, when I have been working as the Principal of a reputed school and people show their open admiration for me ("Sir, I ain't buttering but if you go away from this place, the people of Joipur will miss a very good human being"), I really don't know whether I should be happy thinking that I have achieved my life-long goal of being a good human first.

The problem is that God has never granted me what I wished for dearly with all my heart and soul. And I still have miles to go till I can qualify to be a good human being.

Let me go back in time to make myself clearer. When I was in Class-IX or X, I wanted to be a Doctor. I wrote in one of my English answer-scripts in answer to the topic of "My Aim in Life" that 'I'd go to remote places and serve the needy and the downtrodden for free'.

Very noble thoughts and sentiments indeed.

But I never knew that to be a doctor is no joke. You have to work very hard to be a doctor. You need God's blessings too, for everybody can't be a doctor.

My academic career, unfortunately, turned out to be far from colourful to enable me to be a doctor!

I ended up being a Teacher instead. Whenever my students asked me about what I wanted to be in life in my childhood, I honestly told them that I never wanted to be a teacher. Not that I regretted it for a moment though, for many reasons. I was from a Family of Teachers. Starting with my grandfather, a great scholar of modern India, to my Baba to my siblings down to my nieces and nephews, they all were or are teachers. Secondly, if you happen to be a teacher in a country like god-blessed BHUTAN, you can consider yourself to be really lucky. Teachers are highly respected in BHUTAN.

Thirdly, despite my poor academic background, Bhutan permitted me to fulfill my desire of being an English Teacher like my late Baba was.

The problem with me has always been that I could never be happy with what I achieved in Life. My mind, my soul, my entire being craved for something else, something that would truly make me happy and fulfilled.

One day, a student of Class-XII Science, Dechen, if I remember the name of that bright boy correctly, asked me :

"Sir, what is the purpose of your life?"

Though I was taken aback by the abruptness of the question, I came out with the prompt answer :

"The purpose of my life is to be a writer." 

I had already started contributing to the National Newspaper, Kuensel. My stories were being published and appreciated, I felt that writing was the easiest job in the whole universe. I had a lot of readers reading and commenting on my personal blogs, on my FB posts. I felt like a celebrity.

I was yet to know the reality!

I could never be a great teacher. If I have to make an honest self-appraisal, I would call myself a good teacher, but never a great teacher. After my superannuation, I came back to my hometown with the dream of making a difference in people's lives as a writer. I started writing daily on many of my FB Pages, I started writing for a number of online magazines.

Life as a writer, I felt, was going to be a piece of cakewalk.

By then some publishers and publishing houses had started approaching me through WhatsApp or mails. I remember an agent who smsed me one afternoon, telling me that they were willing to publish my book. (By the way, I had finished writing 9 unpublished novels by then, including 1 on GoodNovel.com -The Damon in Doctor's disguise). 

The lady told me that they were willing to publish my books. Good for me, I thought. Then she informed me that I had to pay from my pocket a nominal amount like ₹1500/-initially for 5 complimentary copies, which was subsequently brought down to ₹500/- after a hard bargain.

Not a big deal, I told myself. Most probably, this was how authors became who they were in the first place. But when she told me that their publishing house was willing to publish my book without looking at the manuscript first, I sensed something very amiss in the deal and lost all interest.

Similarly, for the novel I wrote ( In fact, I wrote 37 chapters containing 50,000 words in 45 days as per the criteria) on GoodNovel, I had a 20-page Contract Agreement Form sent in to me. I read through the contract carefully but didn't sign the papers!

By now, I must have written more than 1 million words on various platforms. My stories have been published in numerous Indian magazines. I won writing contests held by ZobraBooks, StoryMirror, Reflections.com etc. but I still don't consider myself an author because somewhere deep down I have had this feeling ingrained that published authors are meant to have name, fame and fortune too.

I have nothing!

I am slowly waking up to the truth that it is not for me to be an author. Writing may be easy but being an author is not.

So, you see, dear friends, that I have never been happy with what I have. I mean, I have never been happy with the fact that I have contributed to so many magazines, contests as a writer as I have always craved for name, fame and my share of fortune as well.

I couldn't be a doctor. I couldn't be a great teacher. Nor could I establish myself as a shining, glamorous author.

So, at 62, my last option of making something worthwhile with my life still lies in me being A GOOD HUMAN BEING. When to be a doctor or a great teacher or famous writer proved so hazardous, will it be easy for me to be a good human being?

I have my doubts. In fact, to be a good human is the hardest of all. You may find doctors, teachers, even authors around you, in or outside your locality. But tell me honestly, how many good human beings do you get to see around daily?

Let me just conclude by giving you a glimpse into my daily life to make you understand why I consider being a good human is well nigh IMPOSSIBLE. 

It is 08.05 AM. I am ready to take a bath. I find cat poop near the bathroom. I look up to the sky throwing my hands dramatically and cry out:

"God, you bless us all. This is all because of age-old animosity."

The cat belongs to my niece and the thought of God blessing this parentless niece of mine is far from my mind! 'The animosity' hinted at the family feuds between the family of my late father and  those of his siblings.

I start thinking ill of all the relatives who share a good rapport with her, including my spouse and daughters!

Talking about my daughters, let me tell you that I am not really thinking highly of them either. They, in my opinion, are too fussed over and pampered. I don't hold myself responsible for the way they have shaped up lately.

I prefer not to be in their bad books, that's why I prefer to have a smile on my face in their company while keeping my feelings to myself.

I can give you 101 more examples why I know I can never be a good human being. But I feel my wish of being a good human granted on days like today when I get to share my innermost feelings with you all, my friends.

And I am sure that in some ways, venting out my innermost, dark secrets, my feelings and frustrations, is soul-soothing . I derive much comfort from knowing that I may not be a good human being really, but I am  heading in the right direction, inching closer to my lifelong wish of being a good human being somehow.

The end